mar. 13
theres just something about life and the hope for someone to understand you as you would do your best to try to understand them. it really stinks. with elise , it was this lack of balance and communication, and i couldnt do anything to help. i really wanted to talk to her on this level, to let her understand me, or us, in a positive way. she did seem kind of lost and loaded with reasons to not be happy with herself. none of them bothered me. it was stuff like her needing to get a job, since graduating, or her being upset with her roommates and also wanting to live on her own and buy the house she was renting in, some health issues, etc.. nothing that was out of the norm of life and living. i do remember that on the last day i saw her and spoke to her, she was mad at her roommates and a few other things. i dont know, maybe she wasnt one to take a generally positive and free person such as me. but still, anyone who graduated college and actually went to the school, not this online stuff, should have the decency to talk to someone if there is something wrong between them. especially since i had, and still have, no idea why she just cut me off. to this day i miss her. i wish there was something clearly wrong between us, maybe to help me feel the idea that it wouldnt have worked out anyway. but honestly there is nothing there. only the fact that she instantly stopped taking my calls and such. it totally sucks. she was definitely something fresh, new and exciting in my life, and i just totally loved it.she was something special. i probably totally blew it… over this sex thing.
you see, the girl before her was a complete alcoholic who lived with me for a year, and it was hell. i couldnt do anything i wanted or needed to for school. and if i did work for school, she was mad that i wasnt paying attention to her, being drunk and mean. i swear she was real fucking mean. i couldnt hang out with any of my friends. the only one welcome, had eventually moved to louisiana. she tried to kill herself a few times while we were together. just so much shit, and i tried to help, but she would just push harder and become more violent to herself and others and me. she just wanted to be wasted, to the state of eventually blacking out and doing something stupid or passing out, 6-7 days a week. i can remember plenty of times when she would sell her stuff and spend all her money just so she could drink. there was a three month period when i would come home from work, about an hour or two after her, and she would be passed out wasted for the next 5-6 hours. it was crazy. nothing i had ever experienced. needless to say, we couldnt go out, especially not to a bar. we tried quite a few times and each time it was a disaster and a scene and i was the babysitter. it was hard because i have lots of friends in many places and it was embarrassing to be with someone and have them get instantly wasted at a bar and start freaking out about a guy she doesnt even know, a couple times it was one of my friends, and screaming about him being the devil, and then going home and having her freak out on me being the devil. so many times i just wanted to die. so many times i slept on a love seat. it was the worst time in my life. i didnt ever want to come home, but i did, i didnt want to be with her (within the first 30 days), but i cared and i didnt want to just throw her out. eventually she got how bad it was affecting me, and her, and left. it just took a year and alot of my energy, definitely my creative energy. all she wanted was fuck, fuck, fuck, beer, beer, beer. we even got engaged at some point, because she felt she would straighten up if something real and satisfying existed in her life. so, she was also trying to get pregnant. and when i found that out, it scared me and i tried to not have sex as often as we did. she was pissed. i was in prison.this situation was so serious and hurtful, i tried to get help with my situation, from professors, counselors, her family. things would work for a week and then fall apart again, again, and again.
i tried to explain some of the severity to my experience with that alco. and i really feel thats why i had an issue with sex with elise, we did other fun things, but there was this disturbing conscious spin to actual sex sex, from being tortured by the alcoholic, and the fact i was kinda nervous being with such a beautiful person. i just want to enjoy it without this disturbing experience looming over my head. sometimes it feels like i need a psychiatrist, not really though. i think its going to take someone with patience and understanding. i really felt elise was there and when we talked about this subject, it really did seem she was fine with it. it made me feel good she was understanding and it didnt bother her, but i guess it probably did, trust me it really bothered me. everyone i spoke to about us seemed sure that was what it was. honestly i couldnt imagine anything else being wrong. i truly feel horrible about that, and oddly enough, just a few days before i saw her last, i really felt ready for to do it and wanted to do it. i hadnt said anything about that, i was just hoping to be able to do it and satisfy her. i never got the chance to try. i wish i did…fuck, i miss her. she was honestly pretty fucking cool.
i wish i knew how to get her back, but with her comments about me and no known way to be able to show her theyre not true, cuz theyre not, i just dont know how to approach her with this instilled negative vibe she has about me. i dont want to cause problems. i totally respect her for making me feel something, when we were together, no one else ever did. i really wish i knew how to get her back. on a side note, im really getting into some interesting things and gaining some momentum with my art work that i think she would appreciate and love to experience. i just wish she was here, we got along really well…till the end.
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