i miss her and she thinks im something thats not true

feb.14

ive been wanting to write to a,i guess x girlfriend,we dated for a couple months,which were the greatest months of my life, and then,completey out of nowhere, she just stopped talking to me.we didnt have a falling out or any real problems or anything,she seemed pretty happy with me.it seems as though she has one or more friends who are sycophants, where one of them,a guy,gave her some interpreted advice about me,and she went with it.he didnt even know me, we hung out three times.he was definitely partial to another of their friends being with her. anyway,the bulk of the interpretation was about the necessity of me having sex with her, because she still is a woman.blah…blah…blah…honestly, the whole situation on her side was rather immature and unfounded.a simple moment of conversation would have cleared everything up for her…and i.so, in an effort to do something safe, and at least do something at all to maintain the fight for something i wanted in my life,i texted her just about every day for a month and a half,asking her to talk to me and otherwise letting her know how i missed her and wished she wouldnt be like this, and sometimes letting her know how shes making me feel…im human…and a virgo, if you want to look that up.then she texted me one day and it was about how i was crazy,irrational,not secure or stable and it wasnt what she wanted.she never spoke to me, she didnt allow me to speak to her…she just wanted to erase me for reasons that were not true, about me quitting school, my job, and my friends.everything she said about them were absolutely not true.it kinda felt like she was taking something i may have said or wrote in a completely wrong way and i just wanted to clear that stuff up.so anyway, i feel like i want to write to her and try to open some way of us talking.some time has passed, five months,since we last spoke and i was hoping maybe it has healed some or all of this unclear situation that had existed.i dont know, it kinda makes me nervous.i just wish we could meet again and start over, i miss her and i feel that she will always be a part of me.i just wish she was actually here.she was an awesome person when we were together, and beautiful…of course.

feb. 28

why does wanting to be with someone and admiring them wrong or pathetic? we are people, individuals.the issue of someone being attracted to another, and the level of that attraction, is not, black and white, right or wrong. it is not a situation where one can always say “theres more women out there” or some other catchy philosophical resin of a solve all phrase. its not a situation at all. its a feeling, something that can spark creativity, cause two people to be together, can get people to do things out of their range, it can affect that individual, especially when things feel so crazily good or go so strangely wrong.

what makes it so hard for her to want to try? i never mistreated her in any way. im definitely approachable. i think the hardest thing for me is that i treated this person well, and i felt it was deserved, and after, her, trying to lead me to believe we were going to be fine, she just axed me from her life and eventually, without ever talking to me about anything, put me down with specific comments that werent even true. it was like she was trying to drown me without reason and all i wanted was some air to clear things up, to just speak to her once, because the things she was saying were things that could have only existed when she stopped talking to me. she really had no idea what i was doing, it wasnt possible. it just felt weird that this person was texting me this stuff and i wasnt allowed to defend myself. it was all wrong and ive just never had anybody do what she did, especially without any existing issues or problems. im a very respectable and well respected person and what came from her was out of nowhere, a complete 180 of who she acted like when we were together. thats why i feel the way i do. i guess. with the confusion and definite misunderstanding of who i am and what ive been doing, this “feeling” knows that she was quite the perfect person for me,but not in an obsessive way, in a rational deducing way. if she would have only probed and delved into conversations to get a better understanding of who i am, the complete package, to justify this behavior of treating me like i dont exist. it just didnt happen. the time wasnt spent in that way. there wasnt enough time for anything deep enough and truly meaningful. this lacking and miscommunication surely ruined something i had noticed the potential to be both beautiful and satisfying for the both of us. there is no proof either way, and thats sad…

march 2

and after all that, the cruel feeling of having to settle with who i will be with kind of sucks. i feel like id have to lie to myself, or that person, about not being truly happy. it perpetuates the knowledge of feeling that it is better to be alone…forever. i mean, how is life? no one will eat the candy they dont necessarily like or specifically want. it is all candy, its all sweets. its all made to give the same type of satisfaction from eating something. its a pretty specific feeling that candy pushes to imply. individual people dont get the same feeling from all the different candies, even with candy that are very similar, were partial to specific certain things. so anyway, how would anyone think if you were told you cant have this candy you want thats so satisfying to you as an individual. its available, but you as an individual cant have it. you have to settle for something else. eventually, you feel this just isnt the same, its not quite the same satisfaction. i dont want to settle. i didnt want to either. i realized i did it for way too long, not really knowing what i was looking for. now that i know, and the availabilities there, its all stopped over over this amazing girls inability to do something as simple as sitting down and talking. its horrible.

im not crazy or anything anywhere near. i do my thing, im out there living. its not something that ive lost myself to. its just something that exists, thats there inside me and it hurts to have this feeling that im not going to find what i want, what im looking for. on the other hand its also a turn off to the types of people that are out there. the three S’s, shallow, shady, and selfish.

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