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“every picture or frame of video is a stand against time, just as every creative thought or work of art is a stand against reality.”-scb

art thoughts 04-27-08

042708
based on growing exposure to artists and art (and existing elements that surround it all), and experiences here in omaha, nebraska.

‘when did we become so naive as to let our societies crush the credibility and stature of real art and artists?’, and why? it all seemed to become defunct and fall apart once technologies started advancing in art and for societies as a whole-as it is all relative- (1960’s-ish). did it all move too fast, for those who’ve laid out guidelines and criteria in the past, to keep up and adapt formal intellectually sound meaning behind the integrity of art and artists? is money the main underlying factor to the destruction of the necessity of being a full-blooded artist to make art? the answers are so black and white, but the responses to those answers are so childish and evasive, that it would seem to take a near miracle to restore what’s been lost.

‘who gave the kid a crayon?’

when i see peoples work, such as students, for example, too often and almost always i am struck with the question of ‘what am i missing’ or even further ‘what allows them to publicly display these things’. a situation of audacity or ‘balls’, and when there is a price placed on it, it instantly becomes warranted as credible art. it has a price, it is tangible, it is an object that can be purchased and owned, its likely one of a kind, it is art, etc… if not, then it just becomes a mere display of the appreciation of creativity and the pieces themselves, then, not art. sure those students would not want to hear that, but need to, and also need to understand the effects of art as it is created. beginning with that, instead of teaching someone how to use a paint brush, seems more relevant to the esteem of art and artists. ‘let those who don’t live and breathe art, think twice about what they create and how they ever decide to present it, it’s not fon-du.it’s for the good of art as a whole, with all connections in tact, and could furthermore place a seriousness to the understanding of what an artist is and exemplify how critical it is to maintain a societal respectability towards those who are actually creative, and live and breathe art every waking moment, because without those kind of people throughout history, art would be nowhere.and in this day and age, it seems more and more those kinds of people are overshadowed by ‘learn-ed’ art and artists.

‘let’s just keep pumping them out!’ `: )~

in what way do we declare something as art when we often cannot deem its creator an artist.it is easy for a student who, lets say, took a few art classes in college to say ‘i made a few art pieces back in school’.it sounds common.but why is it art?and if its not,what is it?…dabbling in some art…presently, beautiful aesthetic art is tainted with a comical childish sense.as well as the artists themselves, who see themselves influenced by dreams, fantasy, etc. without a serious reflection to history, religion, politics, art influences, etc..or some form of philosophical reference or derivation,the art is just as good as someone who dabbles.so, the credibility becomes an enormous uphill battle to get others, who are generally appreciators of art, to see what you see, or believe and accept your passion as something as credible as those with serious respectable reflections. it often seems that craft also has to be far more developed to equal the credibility to be named as a serious artist.if not the worked can easily get pushed down.which is interesting that one can use a serious reflection and get away with a lot less craft, and also have the content pretty much laid out for them just by picking a good solid serious reflection to ‘dabble in’ and be declared as a real credible artist.it is almost, or is actually,like you can level up,like some sort of game, your knowledge on something, based on those main serious reflections, and ‘mechanically’ become successful as an artist.what is the route you take?the one that is,or, can be laid out for you and all that is necessary is for you to build upon it to somehow find that space to place your own stamp on OR the one you live with day in and day out that generates personality, ‘the heart and soul of you as a unit’, and forces you to react to your creative eye and instigates you to develop something even unknown to you, but the outcome is beautiful and personally unique to you and time itself. the second sounds skiddish, but carries more of the reinforcing elements on ‘who is an artist?’. which is odd that the second takes so much more ‘out of the creative element’ work for success, than does the first.it is almost an intention to ruin dreamers and actual creative people who carry it in their blood. but, what do you do?the longer you last, it seems the more you get pulled into the conscious side of it all…and the work ends up leaning towards the serious reflections.the young wont understand and the old wont care, its those of us in the middle who need to make the changes for the rest to see, but it takes a strength to not succumb, and that is where things tend to fall apart for current day creative people, aside from the fact of too many of us are too socially sensitive to be intellectually critical of publicly displayed works.i bet if even half of the people who displayed their works, received true criticism, their work would not have been displayed, probably by their own choice, but i would bet that they would come back with works far better than their initial ones. and thats what it takes. its so easy, but so hard for people to take and give nurturing respectable criticism. there’s a reason for it and ‘artists’ need to know its for the good of art, both historically and for the integrity of art and artists.

‘anymore, it doesn’t seem to matter, if you’re one in a million…million wins.’ -think about it-

…

i miss her (part 2)

mar. 13

theres just something about life and the hope for someone to understand you as you would do your best to try to understand them. it really stinks. with elise , it was this lack of balance and communication, and i couldnt do anything to help. i really wanted to talk to her on this level, to let her understand me, or us, in a positive way. she did seem kind of lost and loaded with reasons to not be happy with herself. none of them bothered me. it was stuff like her needing to get a job, since graduating, or her being upset with her roommates and also wanting to live on her own and buy the house she was renting in, some health issues, etc.. nothing that was out of the norm of life and living. i do remember that on the last day i saw her and spoke to her, she was mad at her roommates and a few other things. i dont know, maybe she wasnt one to take a generally positive and free person such as me. but still, anyone who graduated college and actually went to the school, not this online stuff, should have the decency to talk to someone if there is something wrong between them. especially since i had, and still have, no idea why she just cut me off. to this day i miss her. i wish there was something clearly wrong between us, maybe to help me feel the idea that it wouldnt have worked out anyway. but honestly there is nothing there. only the fact that she instantly stopped taking my calls and such. it totally sucks. she was definitely something fresh, new and exciting in my life, and i just totally loved it.she was something special. i probably totally blew it… over this sex thing.

you see, the girl before her was a complete alcoholic who lived with me for a year, and it was hell. i couldnt do anything i wanted or needed to for school. and if i did work for school, she was mad that i wasnt paying attention to her, being drunk and mean. i swear she was real fucking mean. i couldnt hang out with any of my friends. the only one welcome, had eventually moved to louisiana. she tried to kill herself a few times while we were together. just so much shit, and i tried to help, but she would just push harder and become more violent to herself and others and me. she just wanted to be wasted, to the state of eventually blacking out and doing something stupid or passing out, 6-7 days a week. i can remember plenty of times when she would sell her stuff and spend all her money just so she could drink. there was a three month period when i would come home from work, about an hour or two after her, and she would be passed out wasted for the next 5-6 hours. it was crazy. nothing i had ever experienced. needless to say, we couldnt go out, especially not to a bar. we tried quite a few times and each time it was a disaster and a scene and i was the babysitter. it was hard because i have lots of friends in many places and it was embarrassing to be with someone and have them get instantly wasted at a bar and start freaking out about a guy she doesnt even know, a couple times it was one of my friends, and screaming about him being the devil, and then going home and having her freak out on me being the devil. so many times i just wanted to die. so many times i slept on a love seat. it was the worst time in my life. i didnt ever want to come home, but i did, i didnt want to be with her (within the first 30 days), but i cared and i didnt want to just throw her out. eventually she got how bad it was affecting me, and her, and left. it just took a year and alot of my energy, definitely my creative energy. all she wanted was fuck, fuck, fuck, beer, beer, beer. we even got engaged at some point, because she felt she would straighten up if something real and satisfying existed in her life. so, she was also trying to get pregnant. and when i found that out, it scared me and i tried to not have sex as often as we did. she was pissed. i was in prison.this situation was so serious and hurtful, i tried to get help with my situation, from professors, counselors, her family. things would work for a week and then fall apart again, again, and again.

i tried to explain some of the severity to my experience with that alco. and i really feel thats why i had an issue with sex with elise, we did other fun things, but there was this disturbing conscious spin to actual sex sex, from being tortured by the alcoholic, and the fact i was kinda nervous being with such a beautiful person. i just want to enjoy it without this disturbing experience looming over my head. sometimes it feels like i need a psychiatrist, not really though. i think its going to take someone with patience and understanding. i really felt elise was there and when we talked about this subject, it really did seem she was fine with it. it made me feel good she was understanding and it didnt bother her, but i guess it probably did, trust me it really bothered me. everyone i spoke to about us seemed sure that was what it was. honestly i couldnt imagine anything else being wrong. i truly feel horrible about that, and oddly enough, just a few days before i saw her last, i really felt ready for to do it and wanted to do it. i hadnt said anything about that, i was just hoping to be able to do it and satisfy her. i never got the chance to try. i wish i did…fuck, i miss her. she was honestly pretty fucking cool.

i wish i knew how to get her back, but with her comments about me and no known way to be able to show her theyre not true, cuz theyre not, i just dont know how to approach her with this instilled negative vibe she has about me. i dont want to cause problems. i totally respect her for making me feel something, when we were together, no one else ever did. i really wish i knew how to get her back. on a side note, im really getting into some interesting things and gaining some momentum with my art work that i think she would appreciate and love to experience. i just wish she was here, we got along really well…till the end.

i miss her and she thinks im something thats not true

feb.14

ive been wanting to write to a,i guess x girlfriend,we dated for a couple months,which were the greatest months of my life, and then,completey out of nowhere, she just stopped talking to me.we didnt have a falling out or any real problems or anything,she seemed pretty happy with me.it seems as though she has one or more friends who are sycophants, where one of them,a guy,gave her some interpreted advice about me,and she went with it.he didnt even know me, we hung out three times.he was definitely partial to another of their friends being with her. anyway,the bulk of the interpretation was about the necessity of me having sex with her, because she still is a woman.blah…blah…blah…honestly, the whole situation on her side was rather immature and unfounded.a simple moment of conversation would have cleared everything up for her…and i.so, in an effort to do something safe, and at least do something at all to maintain the fight for something i wanted in my life,i texted her just about every day for a month and a half,asking her to talk to me and otherwise letting her know how i missed her and wished she wouldnt be like this, and sometimes letting her know how shes making me feel…im human…and a virgo, if you want to look that up.then she texted me one day and it was about how i was crazy,irrational,not secure or stable and it wasnt what she wanted.she never spoke to me, she didnt allow me to speak to her…she just wanted to erase me for reasons that were not true, about me quitting school, my job, and my friends.everything she said about them were absolutely not true.it kinda felt like she was taking something i may have said or wrote in a completely wrong way and i just wanted to clear that stuff up.so anyway, i feel like i want to write to her and try to open some way of us talking.some time has passed, five months,since we last spoke and i was hoping maybe it has healed some or all of this unclear situation that had existed.i dont know, it kinda makes me nervous.i just wish we could meet again and start over, i miss her and i feel that she will always be a part of me.i just wish she was actually here.she was an awesome person when we were together, and beautiful…of course.

feb. 28

why does wanting to be with someone and admiring them wrong or pathetic? we are people, individuals.the issue of someone being attracted to another, and the level of that attraction, is not, black and white, right or wrong. it is not a situation where one can always say “theres more women out there” or some other catchy philosophical resin of a solve all phrase. its not a situation at all. its a feeling, something that can spark creativity, cause two people to be together, can get people to do things out of their range, it can affect that individual, especially when things feel so crazily good or go so strangely wrong.

what makes it so hard for her to want to try? i never mistreated her in any way. im definitely approachable. i think the hardest thing for me is that i treated this person well, and i felt it was deserved, and after, her, trying to lead me to believe we were going to be fine, she just axed me from her life and eventually, without ever talking to me about anything, put me down with specific comments that werent even true. it was like she was trying to drown me without reason and all i wanted was some air to clear things up, to just speak to her once, because the things she was saying were things that could have only existed when she stopped talking to me. she really had no idea what i was doing, it wasnt possible. it just felt weird that this person was texting me this stuff and i wasnt allowed to defend myself. it was all wrong and ive just never had anybody do what she did, especially without any existing issues or problems. im a very respectable and well respected person and what came from her was out of nowhere, a complete 180 of who she acted like when we were together. thats why i feel the way i do. i guess. with the confusion and definite misunderstanding of who i am and what ive been doing, this “feeling” knows that she was quite the perfect person for me,but not in an obsessive way, in a rational deducing way. if she would have only probed and delved into conversations to get a better understanding of who i am, the complete package, to justify this behavior of treating me like i dont exist. it just didnt happen. the time wasnt spent in that way. there wasnt enough time for anything deep enough and truly meaningful. this lacking and miscommunication surely ruined something i had noticed the potential to be both beautiful and satisfying for the both of us. there is no proof either way, and thats sad…

march 2

and after all that, the cruel feeling of having to settle with who i will be with kind of sucks. i feel like id have to lie to myself, or that person, about not being truly happy. it perpetuates the knowledge of feeling that it is better to be alone…forever. i mean, how is life? no one will eat the candy they dont necessarily like or specifically want. it is all candy, its all sweets. its all made to give the same type of satisfaction from eating something. its a pretty specific feeling that candy pushes to imply. individual people dont get the same feeling from all the different candies, even with candy that are very similar, were partial to specific certain things. so anyway, how would anyone think if you were told you cant have this candy you want thats so satisfying to you as an individual. its available, but you as an individual cant have it. you have to settle for something else. eventually, you feel this just isnt the same, its not quite the same satisfaction. i dont want to settle. i didnt want to either. i realized i did it for way too long, not really knowing what i was looking for. now that i know, and the availabilities there, its all stopped over over this amazing girls inability to do something as simple as sitting down and talking. its horrible.

im not crazy or anything anywhere near. i do my thing, im out there living. its not something that ive lost myself to. its just something that exists, thats there inside me and it hurts to have this feeling that im not going to find what i want, what im looking for. on the other hand its also a turn off to the types of people that are out there. the three S’s, shallow, shady, and selfish.

is it better to laugh alone?

we shall see. hopefully this will be about creative things and contain creative material, to spark interest and deeper creative thoughts and ideas. there are many issues about what is art and who is an artist that i will be delving into.we shall see how it goes. im sure it will take a moment to gather, but it will get there for sure.